Tuesday, August 12, 2014

EX-illent Quextion

Deezy Von Geezy,

I just ran across your blog randomly, read every post, and frankly, I'm skepteezy. Oh well, I got a question and I might as well axe it. My sister is dating a skeezer and I don't know if they're right together. She keeps telling me he gives her the willers but she still brings him to parties and dances so hard with him. I told her to dump that doofer and get a real cheese, but she seems content to be a mal-content. Is there a tactical way to tell her she's dating a hog-dog?

-Lil P,
Goose Church, AL


Thanks for accidentaly encountering my work and giving it a no-confidence-shot-in-the-dark. Your sixter is probably going to outgrow cheese-weiner in a few months, but advice is my game. You didn't say if she was younger or older than you, but that totally matters. If she's younger than you, just beat him up, hard. If she's your older sister, beat him up, but expect to get beat up by his buddies shortly thereafter, hard. If you're both older than 16, then beat yourself up with the hardest object you can find because you are an adult and adults know how to deal with relationships without axing questions to random internet personalities. Get a life Dick Nose...unless you're a younxter, in which case, good luck.


Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Color Blind Love

Hi Dr. Gork. Thanks for coming back. Love the new picture thing you added...hate the new color scheme. Can you try posting in something other than blue on black so we can read your advices?

-Gavin Lipnicky
Hogwater, NH


Thanks for the maaaaaad props. No, I won't change the color scheme, at least not until I get sick of it. Try getting your advices elsewhere; maybe from an advice Dr. that caters to the whims of every dolt that writes in with nitwitty suggestions. Goofus.


Let's Make a Pact

Hi Gork, I just wanted to share a friends story:  
My friend and I made a PACT.  SHE has been after this stud-muffin guy for along while.  He rides a horse on the weekends, pretends he’s in a western or something.  He plays the guitar and sings too.  ME, I have been after this one sensuous lady for quite a awhile...she doesn’t have big boobers, but they are large enough; her hips are the real winners.  She wears goodwill trash-clothes and likes to go out and dance the night away.  Anyways, I thought of a plan to help each other out.  If I start getting together with my lady and there is a pesky guy sniffing around, my friend will run into the guy at a coffee shop or something and flirt his ass off, hopefully to throw him off the trail.  I will do the same for her, if I am not with my love.  But the pact ended when we had sax last night and now we are together for the time being.  We decided life may be like a vapor and you have to get while the getting’s good.  I am hoping we can be mature enough so that it doesn’t ruin our friendship when we break up.  

- Ed Timmy Eastborough, Colorado
I normally don't consider random anecdotes that don't culminate with some sort of question, but I've inferred that you are asking how this will end up. I'm not sure how to answer that.
First off, you're complicating your life a lot with these pacts and caps locks. Secondish, who says you and PACT lady are going to break up? It seems like maybe you guys have some kind of saxy connection. I think the best thing to do here is to try to get the pretend-cowboy-stud-muffin and your other sensous lady friend together. If they hit it off, then fate is trying to tell you that you were never good enough for those hotties anyways. If they don't hit it off, then you will not have learned very much, and will probably end up more confused. Hey, you gotta take some risks sometimes right? Get out there and sax it up a little with the skank.