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Saturday, July 26, 2014

Triplets

What the heck? Is this for real? Are you actually back? OMG! I’ve been checking this thing fairly regularly because it’s saved in my favorites, and at this point, just assuming I would be disappointed and find zero new posts. WTF? Where have you been? What happened? Screw whatever that last lady said, we want to know! Also, if you have time, can you certify me in CPR? I know all the basics from high school health classes but my soon-to-be-boss says I need an official certificate. If not, that’s ok, I can be an EMT later, somewhere else. I lied to him about some other stuff anyways. More importantly, where have you been for four years?

-Jestin James-Jefferson
 Tooligan City, MA

JJJ,

Delightful…utterly and totally delightful. You applied for an Emergency Medical Technician’s job without any real qualifications? Fascinating.  Seriously, that is fascinating. I have to know what you expected to happen. I’m writing a book about intelligence-impaired individuals (III’s) and I think you may be a candidate for a case study. I’ve sent you a reply email with a questionnaire to clarify.In the meantime, look for chest rise, listen for breathing, and feel for pulse. In fact, if your boss asks, just say, “look, listen, feel baby…that’s all there is to it.” That might buy you a few days. Don’t forget the “baby”. That implies confidence.


As for your actual question, I’m inclined to go with the previous inquirer’s gut feeling. It doesn’t matter where I’ve been, only where I am, and I am here. Live in the moment and dwell not on the past, for the past is full of regret and fear of what you already know. I just made that up. Pretty profound, right?  I suspect that you’re too dull to comprehend how cliché that is, but trust me, it’s a load of garbage. Nevermind, it doesn’t matter. I was boating off the coast of South Dakota for four years. Leave it at that. Please reply to my questionnaire. I need you. 
  
- gvd     

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