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Sunday, July 27, 2014

Tickle Me Jimbus

Dr. Gork,

Let me say right up front, thank you so much for fielding my question. I am 22. In short, I got hooked on fake internet poker in college, dropped out, lost all my real cash in Vegas playing against real poker people for cash, subsequently lost my girlfriend, and eventually found out that I owe the casino that I lived in for seven weeks about forty grand for the penthouse I leased out. Where do I go from here? Please help ASAP. Thanks.

-Jimbus, LV, LV

Jimbo,

Las Vegas isn’t a state, but that’s ok. We’ll get you through this. I’m guessing you were the king of the castle in one of those avatar-based poker sites, right? So was I, and my little sister, and everyone else that ever logged into one of those sites. Fake money doesn’t carry any risk, Jimbo. In real cash games, the stakes change completely. Your competitors are totally focused on cutting your throat at all costs, and if you’re not focused on ripping their guts out, you’re bound to lose all your cash chips. Sadly, those are facts you learned the hard way. I can’t believe the casino gave you such a phenomenal deal on the lease though. The best you can do now is to learn from those mistakes and move on. I can help. Send me $13,000 of e-cash addressed to royal.nigerianpoker.aidsociety.com and I can get you some help. You’ll have to ask your family and friends for the cash…Lord knows you don’t have it now, but it’s a start. Also, please email to me your usernames and passwords for your banking sites. That will help my accountants to decipher your financials. Look forward to hearing from you. Whatever happens, best of luck to you, Jimbo. Any smarter readers in a similar situations, please call the gambler’s hotline on the bilboards around your town. Good Luck!

- gvd    

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