Sunday, July 27, 2014

Tickle Me Jimbus

Dr. Gork,

Let me say right up front, thank you so much for fielding my question. I am 22. In short, I got hooked on fake internet poker in college, dropped out, lost all my real cash in Vegas playing against real poker people for cash, subsequently lost my girlfriend, and eventually found out that I owe the casino that I lived in for seven weeks about forty grand for the penthouse I leased out. Where do I go from here? Please help ASAP. Thanks.

-Jimbus, LV, LV


Las Vegas isn’t a state, but that’s ok. We’ll get you through this. I’m guessing you were the king of the castle in one of those avatar-based poker sites, right? So was I, and my little sister, and everyone else that ever logged into one of those sites. Fake money doesn’t carry any risk, Jimbo. In real cash games, the stakes change completely. Your competitors are totally focused on cutting your throat at all costs, and if you’re not focused on ripping their guts out, you’re bound to lose all your cash chips. Sadly, those are facts you learned the hard way. I can’t believe the casino gave you such a phenomenal deal on the lease though. The best you can do now is to learn from those mistakes and move on. I can help. Send me $13,000 of e-cash addressed to royal.nigerianpoker.aidsociety.com and I can get you some help. You’ll have to ask your family and friends for the cash…Lord knows you don’t have it now, but it’s a start. Also, please email to me your usernames and passwords for your banking sites. That will help my accountants to decipher your financials. Look forward to hearing from you. Whatever happens, best of luck to you, Jimbo. Any smarter readers in a similar situations, please call the gambler’s hotline on the bilboards around your town. Good Luck!

- gvd    

Saturday, July 26, 2014


What the heck? Is this for real? Are you actually back? OMG! I’ve been checking this thing fairly regularly because it’s saved in my favorites, and at this point, just assuming I would be disappointed and find zero new posts. WTF? Where have you been? What happened? Screw whatever that last lady said, we want to know! Also, if you have time, can you certify me in CPR? I know all the basics from high school health classes but my soon-to-be-boss says I need an official certificate. If not, that’s ok, I can be an EMT later, somewhere else. I lied to him about some other stuff anyways. More importantly, where have you been for four years?

-Jestin James-Jefferson
 Tooligan City, MA


Delightful…utterly and totally delightful. You applied for an Emergency Medical Technician’s job without any real qualifications? Fascinating.  Seriously, that is fascinating. I have to know what you expected to happen. I’m writing a book about intelligence-impaired individuals (III’s) and I think you may be a candidate for a case study. I’ve sent you a reply email with a questionnaire to clarify.In the meantime, look for chest rise, listen for breathing, and feel for pulse. In fact, if your boss asks, just say, “look, listen, feel baby…that’s all there is to it.” That might buy you a few days. Don’t forget the “baby”. That implies confidence.

As for your actual question, I’m inclined to go with the previous inquirer’s gut feeling. It doesn’t matter where I’ve been, only where I am, and I am here. Live in the moment and dwell not on the past, for the past is full of regret and fear of what you already know. I just made that up. Pretty profound, right?  I suspect that you’re too dull to comprehend how cliché that is, but trust me, it’s a load of garbage. Nevermind, it doesn’t matter. I was boating off the coast of South Dakota for four years. Leave it at that. Please reply to my questionnaire. I need you. 
- gvd     

Over Hair!

I don’t know where you’ve been for the last four years, but I also don’t care. The last time you took a “break” you spewed some awful nonsense at us about killing your neighbor for trapping your monkeys and it landed you in the local insanitarium house and blah, blah, blah. Spare us this time please. Just get back here and answer our questions. We need help!

 So here goes…I’m a middle-aged woman, six-foot-seven, and super sassy. I was raised to never cut my hair and always wear ankle-length flower-print dresses (sometimes on fun days or marathon practicing, I splurge and go with my floor length denim skirt). I still adhere strictly to those values and even raise my kids to think the same. Anyways, you can probably imagine that without a single haircut in 44 years, my hair is very, very long by any standard; 12 feet 3 inches to be exact. I was cursed with straight, black hair, and it’s a safety hazard in almost every situation—I get it caught in the car door and drive on it, it gets wrapped and tangled around the axles of grocery store carts, people step on it and curse at me…all kinds of stuff. The locals don’t even bother with my name anymore; they just call me The Hair Beast. I’ve tried everything I can think of, shy of cutting it, which I will never, ever do. I usually just end up stuffing it in a gigantic back pack, or I make my kids grab some and carry it around the mall behind me. Is there ANYTHING I can do to safely live my hair values? Please, oh please help me.

-Gerty Von Doogan – Skunk Tooth, AR  


Holy Hair. My first thought, which is almost always on-the-money but will certainly fall on deaf ears in this case, is to advise you to cut your hair, weirdo. Your values are just, well, beyond comprehension (sidenote: I would pay a bag of pirate gold to see you running a marathon in that get-up). That said, if the solution space can’t include a hair-chop and a makeover, let’s get down to business. As I see it, you have three options and they’re all amazing: the “braid belt”, the “double tuck” and the “ultimate perm”.

The braid belt is pretty much what it sounds like. Braiding that mangled mess will take you forever and only buy you about eight inches off the back end, so you’ll need to wrap the resulting pony tail around your waist at least five times and pass it off as a belt. It’ll probably work. Double tucking is even less complicated—tuck it in at the neck and let it drape down your back inside your dress...tuck the rest into your panties. Just being truthful, you’re going to have a huge, bulging ball of hair in your bungies, but I've seen this work for a select few. The ultimate perm requires professional help, and frankly, your headshot isn’t going to land in any style magazines when it’s done. Perms went out with the 80’s, but most stylists can probably wing it. It’ll cost you a bundle, and with that much hair, I honestly have no idea what it will look like. Probably not good.  Anyways, Let me know which one you choose and how it works out for you.

As an aside, I’m back. Ask and be free my friends…