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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

EX-illent Quextion

Deezy Von Geezy,

I just ran across your blog randomly, read every post, and frankly, I'm skepteezy. Oh well, I got a question and I might as well axe it. My sister is dating a skeezer and I don't know if they're right together. She keeps telling me he gives her the willers but she still brings him to parties and dances so hard with him. I told her to dump that doofer and get a real cheese, but she seems content to be a mal-content. Is there a tactical way to tell her she's dating a hog-dog?

-Lil P,
Goose Church, AL

Lillpy,

Thanks for accidentaly encountering my work and giving it a no-confidence-shot-in-the-dark. Your sixter is probably going to outgrow cheese-weiner in a few months, but advice is my game. You didn't say if she was younger or older than you, but that totally matters. If she's younger than you, just beat him up, hard. If she's your older sister, beat him up, but expect to get beat up by his buddies shortly thereafter, hard. If you're both older than 16, then beat yourself up with the hardest object you can find because you are an adult and adults know how to deal with relationships without axing questions to random internet personalities. Get a life Dick Nose...unless you're a younxter, in which case, good luck.

-gvd

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Color Blind Love


Hi Dr. Gork. Thanks for coming back. Love the new picture thing you added...hate the new color scheme. Can you try posting in something other than blue on black so we can read your advices?

-Gavin Lipnicky
Hogwater, NH


Gav,

Thanks for the maaaaaad props. No, I won't change the color scheme, at least not until I get sick of it. Try getting your advices elsewhere; maybe from an advice Dr. that caters to the whims of every dolt that writes in with nitwitty suggestions. Goofus.

-gvd

Let's Make a Pact

Hi Gork, I just wanted to share a friends story:  
My friend and I made a PACT.  SHE has been after this stud-muffin guy for along while.  He rides a horse on the weekends, pretends he’s in a western or something.  He plays the guitar and sings too.  ME, I have been after this one sensuous lady for quite a awhile...she doesn’t have big boobers, but they are large enough; her hips are the real winners.  She wears goodwill trash-clothes and likes to go out and dance the night away.  Anyways, I thought of a plan to help each other out.  If I start getting together with my lady and there is a pesky guy sniffing around, my friend will run into the guy at a coffee shop or something and flirt his ass off, hopefully to throw him off the trail.  I will do the same for her, if I am not with my love.  But the pact ended when we had sax last night and now we are together for the time being.  We decided life may be like a vapor and you have to get while the getting’s good.  I am hoping we can be mature enough so that it doesn’t ruin our friendship when we break up.  

- Ed Timmy Eastborough, Colorado
Eddie,
I normally don't consider random anecdotes that don't culminate with some sort of question, but I've inferred that you are asking how this will end up. I'm not sure how to answer that.
First off, you're complicating your life a lot with these pacts and caps locks. Secondish, who says you and PACT lady are going to break up? It seems like maybe you guys have some kind of saxy connection. I think the best thing to do here is to try to get the pretend-cowboy-stud-muffin and your other sensous lady friend together. If they hit it off, then fate is trying to tell you that you were never good enough for those hotties anyways. If they don't hit it off, then you will not have learned very much, and will probably end up more confused. Hey, you gotta take some risks sometimes right? Get out there and sax it up a little with the skank.
-gvd

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Tickle Me Jimbus

Dr. Gork,

Let me say right up front, thank you so much for fielding my question. I am 22. In short, I got hooked on fake internet poker in college, dropped out, lost all my real cash in Vegas playing against real poker people for cash, subsequently lost my girlfriend, and eventually found out that I owe the casino that I lived in for seven weeks about forty grand for the penthouse I leased out. Where do I go from here? Please help ASAP. Thanks.

-Jimbus, LV, LV

Jimbo,

Las Vegas isn’t a state, but that’s ok. We’ll get you through this. I’m guessing you were the king of the castle in one of those avatar-based poker sites, right? So was I, and my little sister, and everyone else that ever logged into one of those sites. Fake money doesn’t carry any risk, Jimbo. In real cash games, the stakes change completely. Your competitors are totally focused on cutting your throat at all costs, and if you’re not focused on ripping their guts out, you’re bound to lose all your cash chips. Sadly, those are facts you learned the hard way. I can’t believe the casino gave you such a phenomenal deal on the lease though. The best you can do now is to learn from those mistakes and move on. I can help. Send me $13,000 of e-cash addressed to royal.nigerianpoker.aidsociety.com and I can get you some help. You’ll have to ask your family and friends for the cash…Lord knows you don’t have it now, but it’s a start. Also, please email to me your usernames and passwords for your banking sites. That will help my accountants to decipher your financials. Look forward to hearing from you. Whatever happens, best of luck to you, Jimbo. Any smarter readers in a similar situations, please call the gambler’s hotline on the bilboards around your town. Good Luck!

- gvd    

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Triplets

What the heck? Is this for real? Are you actually back? OMG! I’ve been checking this thing fairly regularly because it’s saved in my favorites, and at this point, just assuming I would be disappointed and find zero new posts. WTF? Where have you been? What happened? Screw whatever that last lady said, we want to know! Also, if you have time, can you certify me in CPR? I know all the basics from high school health classes but my soon-to-be-boss says I need an official certificate. If not, that’s ok, I can be an EMT later, somewhere else. I lied to him about some other stuff anyways. More importantly, where have you been for four years?

-Jestin James-Jefferson
 Tooligan City, MA

JJJ,

Delightful…utterly and totally delightful. You applied for an Emergency Medical Technician’s job without any real qualifications? Fascinating.  Seriously, that is fascinating. I have to know what you expected to happen. I’m writing a book about intelligence-impaired individuals (III’s) and I think you may be a candidate for a case study. I’ve sent you a reply email with a questionnaire to clarify.In the meantime, look for chest rise, listen for breathing, and feel for pulse. In fact, if your boss asks, just say, “look, listen, feel baby…that’s all there is to it.” That might buy you a few days. Don’t forget the “baby”. That implies confidence.


As for your actual question, I’m inclined to go with the previous inquirer’s gut feeling. It doesn’t matter where I’ve been, only where I am, and I am here. Live in the moment and dwell not on the past, for the past is full of regret and fear of what you already know. I just made that up. Pretty profound, right?  I suspect that you’re too dull to comprehend how cliché that is, but trust me, it’s a load of garbage. Nevermind, it doesn’t matter. I was boating off the coast of South Dakota for four years. Leave it at that. Please reply to my questionnaire. I need you. 
  
- gvd     

Over Hair!

I don’t know where you’ve been for the last four years, but I also don’t care. The last time you took a “break” you spewed some awful nonsense at us about killing your neighbor for trapping your monkeys and it landed you in the local insanitarium house and blah, blah, blah. Spare us this time please. Just get back here and answer our questions. We need help!

 So here goes…I’m a middle-aged woman, six-foot-seven, and super sassy. I was raised to never cut my hair and always wear ankle-length flower-print dresses (sometimes on fun days or marathon practicing, I splurge and go with my floor length denim skirt). I still adhere strictly to those values and even raise my kids to think the same. Anyways, you can probably imagine that without a single haircut in 44 years, my hair is very, very long by any standard; 12 feet 3 inches to be exact. I was cursed with straight, black hair, and it’s a safety hazard in almost every situation—I get it caught in the car door and drive on it, it gets wrapped and tangled around the axles of grocery store carts, people step on it and curse at me…all kinds of stuff. The locals don’t even bother with my name anymore; they just call me The Hair Beast. I’ve tried everything I can think of, shy of cutting it, which I will never, ever do. I usually just end up stuffing it in a gigantic back pack, or I make my kids grab some and carry it around the mall behind me. Is there ANYTHING I can do to safely live my hair values? Please, oh please help me.

-Gerty Von Doogan – Skunk Tooth, AR  

Hairbeast,

Holy Hair. My first thought, which is almost always on-the-money but will certainly fall on deaf ears in this case, is to advise you to cut your hair, weirdo. Your values are just, well, beyond comprehension (sidenote: I would pay a bag of pirate gold to see you running a marathon in that get-up). That said, if the solution space can’t include a hair-chop and a makeover, let’s get down to business. As I see it, you have three options and they’re all amazing: the “braid belt”, the “double tuck” and the “ultimate perm”.

The braid belt is pretty much what it sounds like. Braiding that mangled mess will take you forever and only buy you about eight inches off the back end, so you’ll need to wrap the resulting pony tail around your waist at least five times and pass it off as a belt. It’ll probably work. Double tucking is even less complicated—tuck it in at the neck and let it drape down your back inside your dress...tuck the rest into your panties. Just being truthful, you’re going to have a huge, bulging ball of hair in your bungies, but I've seen this work for a select few. The ultimate perm requires professional help, and frankly, your headshot isn’t going to land in any style magazines when it’s done. Perms went out with the 80’s, but most stylists can probably wing it. It’ll cost you a bundle, and with that much hair, I honestly have no idea what it will look like. Probably not good.  Anyways, Let me know which one you choose and how it works out for you.

As an aside, I’m back. Ask and be free my friends…   

-gvd

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