G

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Saturday, November 28, 2009

Night Terrors

Dear Dr. G,

I need some advice. I've been happily married for 6 years. My wife is a beautiful, caring, loving woman, and I love her to death. Unfortunately, I can't sleep in the same room as her anymore because she farts in her sleep, and it's not just one or two scattered about; it's an endless string of loud, honking farts that would wake up even the soundest of sleepers. I've asked her to see a doctor, but she doesn't even believe it's happening. I probably wouldn't believe it either. I don't know where she gets the gas. Luckily, they're mostly odorless. Have you heard of this before? What can I do? Please help!!!

-Travis T.
Snark, KY

TT,

Your wife's nocturnal flatulence almost certainly stems from a rare, but not totally unheard of condition known as a deviated rectum. She's basically snoring out her rear end because the walls of her rectum are off center with relation to her butt opening. When she reaches REM sleep, her muscles relax completely and that's when the parade begins. The condition causes some other messy problems that she likely hasn't told you about, but don't worry about that.

There are a few solutions that I'm aware of, the most effective being surgical correction of the misalignment. It's a relatively simple procedure, but like any surgery, it'll cost you big money. If you don't want to dish out the cash, you can try a device manufactured by Biggum's Pharmaceutacals called The Butt Muffler. It wraps around the waist and stifles unwanted anal noise. Most reviews of the product are positive, but many users report experiencing extreme pain with the device. That's all I can tell you. Keep in mind that I'm not a butt doctor, and you should always consult an expert whenever you experience disgusting problems like this. Good luck.

-Gork

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