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Friday, October 16, 2009

Chuck rhymes with lotsa stuff...

"Dr" Gork,

I have to say, I think it's dangerously irresponsible for you to post this garbage on the internet. I really think you need to be exposed for the fraud that you are. Your advice is unwaveringly terrible. Your responses are grandiloquent, verbose, condescending, and utterly bombastic. I've got you figured out. You proffer insipid advice using a series of confusing, run-on sentences culminating in some cankerous remark leaving your reader befuddled and ashamed. I guess my question is, how do you sleep at night? Please warn your readers that you lack the accumen to do what you're doing. Thank you.

P.S. I found like 10 grammatical errors in your blog.

-Chuck Suckles
Muppleton, VT

Chuckles,

I don't usually publish the slandering hate mails that I receive (and I get a lot...it's about a 60/40 split in favor of vituperance). Afterall, I wouldn't be much of a self-promoter if I did, eh? Don't worry, I don't take it personally. I found your remarks to be intriguing though. You've clearly examined my posts with careful scrutiny; I mean you did find all 10 of my secret grammatical Easter eggs. Despite your clear enthusiasm for my entries, you proceed to vilify me as if I have some virulent ulterior motive. I assure you, and all my thousands of readers, I do not. Also, I have the perfect amount of accumen to answer any question about anything.

As to how I sleep at night, I would liken it to that of how a baby might sleep in the arms of a beautiful angel floating gently above the whitest clouds you've ever seen as she sings to me heavenly lullabies and ever so slightly rocks me to and fro. So, yeah, pretty fucking soundly. This is probably the point in the post where you expect me to execrate you, call you a buffoon, and send you on your way. Well, I'll spare you this time, but if you write back, I shant be so magnanimous.

-Gork

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