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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Eye of the Beholder...

Dr. Gork,

May I call you Bruce? I wasn’t sure if you possessed any ophthalmology knowledge but I was hoping you’d be able to shed some light on my current medical predicament. I am an avid contact wearer but for the last few days, I’ve had to wear my glasses due to waking up with goop incrusted eyes. It makes it difficult for me to open them in the mornings when they are sealed shut. What can I do to get rid of my eye boogers?

-Possum
Methamvania, MO

Possum,

Unfortunately, I'm not an ophthalmologist, but my dentist is. I asked him about your goopy eyes, and he told me to slag off. He's a cocksucker.

Your goopy eye discharge is caused by one of 3 things. Most likely, you have herpes of the eye, better known as "Canker Eyes". This can only be contracted by direct and prolonged, uninterrupted contact of your eyeballs with genital herpes. About 1 in 6 people will contract canker eyes in their lifetime, so don't fret. I only know of one treatment. You'll need to put a thick layer of brand name ketchup on your eyelids before you go to bed. After applying the ketchup, place a blindfold dampened with extra virgin olive oil around your head so that it covers your eyes. When you wake up, remove the blindfold, but DO NOT WASH YOUR EYES. You'll need to repeat this for at least 2 weeks. Even if you think you're cured before that, don't stop. Canker goop can live dormant behind your eyes for a long time. There's a slight chance that the discharge is a side effect of some medication you're taking or, even less likely, you have pink eye. It's impossible to tell, so you better just try the ketchup therapy.

-Gork

PS, don't ever call me Bruce...ever.

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