Saturday, January 31, 2009

Super Dumb

Hey Gork! Is the Elder, Gardener, the lamest supervillian of all time? Or should this distinction go to the space shark that Adam Warlock battled in the '70's? I can never decide!

-Burt Blagojevich

Kokomo, IL


This one is tough. The pantheon of comic supervillains is rife with bungling buffoons vying for the distinction. Let's step outside your bounds of the Gardener and space shark (although they're worthy of the discussion) and consider some other choices. In 1964, Grundle Comics introduced a dastardly vicious supervillain called Thanksgiving Beast. He was known only for sneaking into homes and cooking huge turkey meals for no one to eat. He would then slip out the back door, leaving a massive mess for the homeowners to clean up...Grundle killed TB off in '65 after selling zero copies nationwide. Not to be outdone, Bim Shimkee released a series of graphic novels called "Elk Banshee: The Reckoning". It was the story of an undead elk beast, half elk, half well-to-do midget; doomed to roam the earth. The story lines were poor at best, usually culminating in Elk Banshee's predictable near-demise. I guess the bottomline is that I spent way too much time on this response. You can decide for yourself who the lamest one is.


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Thrice As Nice


I have 3 butt openings. Only the big one functions, and I'm not sure where the other ones lead to. Everybody I show them to tells me I'm a mutant. What's going on here?

-Larry P.
Old Craxton, SD


You're only supposed to have one hairy nickel, so in a way, you are a mutant. That term has some negative connotations, but if we're being honest...that's what you are. It's entirely possible that one of your parents also had a "triple crown" and passed it on to you. This is how evolution works.

I might suggest you refrain from showing them off so much. That will likely cut down on the criticism. On the other hand, you could always just embrace it and take your show on the road. I personally don't care what you do.


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Eye of the Beholder...

Dr. Gork,

May I call you Bruce? I wasn’t sure if you possessed any ophthalmology knowledge but I was hoping you’d be able to shed some light on my current medical predicament. I am an avid contact wearer but for the last few days, I’ve had to wear my glasses due to waking up with goop incrusted eyes. It makes it difficult for me to open them in the mornings when they are sealed shut. What can I do to get rid of my eye boogers?

Methamvania, MO


Unfortunately, I'm not an ophthalmologist, but my dentist is. I asked him about your goopy eyes, and he told me to slag off. He's a cocksucker.

Your goopy eye discharge is caused by one of 3 things. Most likely, you have herpes of the eye, better known as "Canker Eyes". This can only be contracted by direct and prolonged, uninterrupted contact of your eyeballs with genital herpes. About 1 in 6 people will contract canker eyes in their lifetime, so don't fret. I only know of one treatment. You'll need to put a thick layer of brand name ketchup on your eyelids before you go to bed. After applying the ketchup, place a blindfold dampened with extra virgin olive oil around your head so that it covers your eyes. When you wake up, remove the blindfold, but DO NOT WASH YOUR EYES. You'll need to repeat this for at least 2 weeks. Even if you think you're cured before that, don't stop. Canker goop can live dormant behind your eyes for a long time. There's a slight chance that the discharge is a side effect of some medication you're taking or, even less likely, you have pink eye. It's impossible to tell, so you better just try the ketchup therapy.


PS, don't ever call me Bruce...ever.

Mountain Mama

helo miztr goork. i luv reeding you're collum? yuo ar deafnitly the smrtest preson i no. cud yuo help me wiht a problum! i seam too hav losed mi pokit buk. ime prity shur itz inn mi pokit. yep. hear it iz. thnak yuo doktur goork. yuo sow smrt?

-thema hiller billy
Talkfunny, WV


You must be one of those e-hicks I keep hearing about. Apparently, there are clusters of you popping up all over the old south. You've got all the charm of old school white trash, but you're a little bit tech savvy on the side...I like it.

This reminds me of a few years ago when I spoke at a goat polishing seminar in Arkansas. The organizers paid me in moonshine and goat sauce.

I don't know why I do this, I really don't.


When in Rome...

dear dr. gork,
the other day on the cart to work, i met an attractive woman and squeezed a date out of her. we went to dinner and a campfire and then back to her place for a little extra 'cat on dog' action. everything was going well until i left the barn stall to relieve myself and upon coming back, happened to get a glimpse of her laying chest down on the haypile facing the foot of the haypile. in this foreshortened pose, she looked almost exactly like emperor constantine's mom. i had to excuse myself for obvious reasons, and she has since sent for me a couple times, but i don't know what to say. i mean, come on, i can't even find rome on a map, much less date one of its rulers' mothers. is she constantine's mother? what should i tell her? what are you hearing?

germanic wanderer #305

G-dub 305,

This is a tough one. Without a picture, I can't say for sure who this lady is, but let's try some deductive reasoning. We know from our history parties that Constantine ruled Rome in the early 300's AD. Our math readings tell us this was about 1,700 years ago. The longest living person on record died at 122 yrs old. Now, put all that together and I think we can say with 75% certainty that you made love to a farm animal. If you don't buy that, consider this; you say this woman was attractive. Roman peasants often referred to Connie's mom as "Regina de Animus Aegus Culus" or roughly translated, "queen with a face like a pig anus." I just blew your mind right? Sorry bud.


Saturday, January 10, 2009

Dr. Dork

My Dearest Gork,

I have no idea as to what your expertise may be, but I was hoping you could help me out with a question--and maybe help some readers as well. As I am aging (and I would rather not disclose my age), I am finding that I still think that I'm pretty fun and cool. I do not feel my age at all--even burdoned with the responsibilities of grown-up life. How is it that I can still feel like I'm cool, when I remember being a teenager and looking at people who were the age I am now and thinking they didn't have a clue about life?? And why is it that when I was a teenager, I thought I was sooo cool and now I look at teenagers and think THEY just don't have a clue?

Sincerely, Me, a dork? Impossible!

Dear Impossible Dork,

Thanks for the dorky question. You've heard the old adage that goes something like, "you're only as old as you feel", right? Well, unfortunately for you, the wisdom of that idiom only applies to age. You cannot say, "you're only as dorky as you feel" and get away with it. Just because you "feel" like you still got it doesn't mean you do. On the other hand, if you feel like you've lost it, then you probably have. That said, "cool" is still a pretty subjective term, so I've developed a more scientific approach. Let's measure coolness or "suaveness" in jean jacket units. Now let's say that suaveness (S) is dependant on your base personality (BP). This way, we can chart S vs. Age for each of the 19 different base-personalities. Then we just find your chart and check your jean jacket units. Here's the chart for the STL (Small Town Lady) BP...incidently, I've gleened from your question that this is your BP. Notice that S is constant until age 13 (13 yr olds have no jju's), then it rises sharply until the age of 21, and finally it plummets to negative infinity. This should help you to tell exactly how dorky you are if you ever start feeling cool again. Hope that helps.


Friday, January 2, 2009

Letting It All Hang Out


I don't have much of a question. I just want some tips.

Here goes nothing:

In modern times, it is consistently being stressed that, in order to attract the opposite sex, you need to advance, retreat, advance, retreat (if you need references, I could probably make some up, and get them to your secretary). Being that I'm in the corporate world, I'm finding it harder and harder to decipher what the females in my company are signaling with their tight-fitted, yet conservative attire. What is one way that I could help myself (and maybe others) in the uphill battle of office romance?

Appropriately Anonymous,

If you want to help yourself, go out there and do it. If you want to help other guys your age, or guys that aren't your age too, then here's what you do. First, make a rough draft (first-initial-cut) of a one-breast bra. Give it to someone of the opposite sex that is willing to be the guinea pig. GET SPECIFIC AND IMMEDIATE FEEDBACK. Create a second draft. Rinse, repeat.

The End.