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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Fool Me Once...

Gork,

Third time's a charm, right?

-L. Voss, Bamtucket, WI

L,

Ok, you're clearly having problems completing simple tasks like writing emails...either that, or you're messing with me. I think your number one problem is that you choose to wake up every morning and breathe. You are a goober. If you have a relevant question, please include that in your email. If not, knock this shit off. I usually don't curse, and even when I do, I usually regret it and wish I could take it back. This time, I've typed it and could go back at any moment and delete it. I've chosen not to (just in case you have any misconceptions about the tone of this answer).

-Gork

Pickled Cucumber Sauce

Dear Gork,

I have to say I'm pretty disappointed with your efforts on posting new poll questions. I really enjoy them. I felt the 10-1,000 pickles per month was a huge upset. I was sure it would be 1,000-100,000. So that got me thinking. Perhaps I eat too many pickles? Is this possible? I sure hope not. I mean sure my pee smells like dill but that's better than actual urine smell isn't it? I guess my main point was I hope you come up with a new poll question soon. Thanks for your time,

Vlasic Spears, La Porte City, IA

V,

First off, you have a great point about my poor poll performance. I will do better. In fact, I plan to use future poll results for a paper I'm writing about the West Coast-to-East Coast flow phenomenon regarding social tendencies and fashion gaffs. As for your pickle with pickles, your name tells me you might have a conflict of interests. By naming you after America's number 1 pickle producer, me thinks your parents sealed your fate...that of an unabashed pickle addict. All over-endulgances have their price. Your price-to-pay is enduring the overpowering, putrid, pungent stench of pickle pee every time you urinate. The fact that you enjoy the odor is even more problematic. Cut back on your pickle intake and take some Vitamin P...you'll be whiffing the odiferous scent of good old fashioned peepers in no time.

-Gork

P.S. visit the bottom of this blog to participate in a new poll question

Scams and Flams

dr. gork,

i believe the illuminati stuff. do you think we are all being controlled by a secret elite? and if so, why do they puppy guard their knowledge? if not, how might one go about starting their own local illuminati? please do not refrain from not intermittently using the word 'jehosephat' in your reply, as i was not a devout catholic as of last friday.
thank you


prince trilby, new devonshire on six-oaks, england

Your Lordship,

The "Secret Society" legends have been bouncing around since the dawn of mankind. Whether it's this "illuminati" you speak of, or the Priory of Zion, or the Masonic Right, or the Skulls, or Mormanism, one thing is for sure: none of them carry any weight if you choose not to believe in them. Maybe there is a secret elite out there telling us what to do. I say, more power to him. When you consider what a massive workload he's got, what with controlling the fates of 6.5 billion people and all, I'd say he's doing a fabulous job. I for one, put no stock in these silly, nonsensical sewer scams. You, Prince Trilby, are the master of your own fate. Your ill-advised Illumunati infatuation has you teetering on the edge of becoming a full blown basketcase. Nip this one in the wanger while you can young man. Jehosephat said it best when addressing the women's league of Babylon, "Never take in the rear what you can take in the front." Heed and be rewarded my royal compadre.

-Gork

Sunday, December 14, 2008

False Advertising

Hello dr. gork,

I have read your q and a blog and find it fantastic and enthralling. I am telling all my buddies about it all the time. I had a really good question for you: where can i get some nepepniciden for my clamkalgg disorder? They say it looks like rain for those with clamkalgg. My local specialist is a scam clam, so i'm not getting much help there. Anything?

-steven michaggaaaananggganngnangnn

Steve,

Ease up on the keyboard mashing. Nepepniciden is really not that hard to come by these days, but I'm not quite sure you want it. In the early 60's, a sleezy pharmaceutical company called Plooper & Murglestein marketed Nepepniciden under the name "Neptide" (street name "Nep") as a cure for the common cold. You and I now know Nep as Crystal Meth. Ploop and Murg went down on fraud and public endangerment charges not long after they introduced the wonder drug, but their legacy remains (see the braindead, toothless hookers on your local street corner if you don't believe me). I suggest you steer clear of the angel dust for now and focus on finding someone that can effectively treat your scrotum rash. You better find yourself a good over-the-counter scrote balm and start making some phone calls. God help you.

-Gork

Horn of Plenty

Gork,

I have a serious problem. Shortly before the Halloween parade, I began purchasing pumpkins and gourds to decorate my home for the Autumn holidays. By the time T'gives rolled around, I had accummulated somewhere around 1,200 gourmpkins. Needless to say, I went a little overboard. Now that gourmpkin season is over, I've got to unload these things, and fast. The stench of rotting pumpkin guts has cost me dearly...my husband moved out, our horse overdosed on pumpkin slop, and the neighbors are threatening to call the coppers if I don't do something about it. What can I do?

-Beverly, Muff Creek, PA


Bev,

This is certainly a new one. You know you're insane, right? That aside, if I know pumpkins like I think I do, your entire menagerie is a mess of mushy, deflated puke balls by now. Clearly, no one in their right mind is going to take them off your hands. As I see it, your only option is to bury them. You'll need to hire a construction crew to come out and dig a grand canyon crater somewhere close by. Keep in mind, this is really a temporary solution...come gourmpkin season next year, you'll be up to your snooch in pumpkin weeds. I recommend moving out of the area after you take care of business...sounds like you've got nothing left to stay for anyways. Good luck B-pig.

-Gork

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