Monday, November 24, 2008


Dr. Gork,

Donovan McNabb's recent admission that he did not know his own sport's overtime rules got me thinking: what would be the equivalent of this snafu for a pro basketball player?

Jim Rome
Tarzana, CA


Incoming mail has been a bit light of late, which I attribute to the economic crisis coupled with hurricane Katrina. As a result, I'm forced to publish your silly question. We need look no further than Mr. Basketball himself: Yownis Spooch, a 6'11 Forward for the Madison Cheese Pucks in the now defunct TCC, A.K.A "The Cheese Circuit" (the TCC was founded and folded in October, 1999). During a post game interview, Yownis was asked about his unorthodox shot selection. This was based on Yownis shooting 5 for 27 overall and 0 for 11 from the half court line in a massive 116-24 loss to the Green Bay Bries. Yownis explained that he had made 3 baskets in a row early in the game without giving up any points to the opponents, and as such, was considered to be "on fire". He went on to explain that when a player is on fire, they can shoot from nearly anywhere and be sure to sink the shot. By the time it was explained to Yownis that this was not the case, it was already too late. Yownis broke his neck in the next game while attempting an impossible 360 dunk shot from the the 3-pt line.


Sunday, November 16, 2008

Thick, Lustrous Oatmeal

Hey Dr. Gork!

In these hard economic times I am trying to cut back some to save money and have decided an oatmeal diet is the way to go. Cheap, nutritious . . . but not too tasty. What can I add to zestify my evening bowl? Tonight I tried oregano, olive oil and parmesan cheese with less than zestupendous results. Any thoughts?

Will Burke
DeWitt, IA


That's a tough one. Oatmeal is definitely the right choice for somebody trying to cut back on their grosh bills, but most of the good fixin's for oatmeal are costly by themselves. In doing some research, I found a great cookbook by Omar Juff called "A Thrifter's Guide to DIY Oatmeal Spice." I recommend you check this book out for yourself, but here a few things Omar suggests: Cat syrup, Fig Newtons, Mt. Dew (diet), pumpkin slop, and (of course) Goat Sauce. Those should definitely get you started on the road to cheap, delicious oatmeal. I'm getting hungry just writing about it...


God Bless Ameroca


what can you tell me about the FEMA internment camps that have sprouted up across the US? some say a state of martial law is imminent, following a total collapse of the dollar and subsequent rise of a pan-american currency to be called the Amero. should i be worried or, in the immortal words of george bush in response to terror war, should i go shopping?

-japanese american


I think you're overreacting by just a smidge. I'm going to assume that you are indeed a Japanese American, and therefore maybe a little sensitive about the concept of an internment camp, given what happened to your peeps during dubya dubya two. I assure you, there's no cause for alarm. I guess what I'm trying to say is GET OUT THERE AND SHOP! No need to worry about a thing. If you want to be safe, I recommend charging all your purchases. That way you can save your real cash for a rainy day, or trade it in for more valuable "Amero's" when they become available next fall. Hope that answers your question and good luck friend.