Friday, October 24, 2008

Jam Rags and Johnny's


One of my muckers recently told me I need to "loosen up." Should I listen to him or is he just a poof? I thought I was pretty deadly already.

-Too Tight in Tipperary

Too Tight,

Your mucker's right on the money. Sounds to me like you're wound up like a dickey dazzler makin tits with a doxie. It might be time to head for the local for a pint or two. Then again, that hoor's melt of a mucker might need a square kick to the gooter.


Come Sit On My Lap

Dear Gork,

I'm desperately in need of some social guidance. I'm an easy going guy (I think), but I'm very awkward in social settings. I always say the wrong thing or take things too far. I try to be funny and it just comes off as offensive. The other night, I approached some girls at a bar. I tried to be suave and tell one of them she was totally my type, but the words came out all wrong. I ended up saying "You have a huge ass." Needless to say, she wasn't impressed. Even my wife is getting fed up with my social clumsiness. Got any tips for a brother in need?

-Lap Flynn, Houchens, CT


You're trying too hard. You need to take the pressure off if you want consistent social chemistry. I've counseled a number of men on this topic and come up with some exercises to help ease the social tension. I want you to try a few and see if they don't help.

I call the first one Parametric Phrase Reversal. The concept is simple. Whenever you start a conversation, you systematically jumble the words around. For example, "If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I'd be rich" becomes "If I heard that for every nickel I've had, I'd be rich." Another example: "This might seem like a weird question, but would you like to play hide the sausage?" becomes "This might sound like a weird sausage, but would you like to play hide the question? It makes for a hilarious conversation starter and it takes your mind off the pressure.

The second one is a little more advanced, but slightly more effective. I call it The Boozehound Bump. Start by ordering 5 drinks at the bar. Gather all of them up in your hands like you're planning to deliver them to your friends. On the way, sneak up behind a girl of your choosing so that she doesn't notice you're there. Wait for her to take an innocent step backwards. That's when you make contact and the drinks go flying. She'll feel bad and you'll be in like Flynn...just be careful not to spill too much on the girl. Her guilt might be overcome by animosity.

If these techniques don't work, you might be beyond my unprofessional help. Give them a try and let me know what happens. Good Luck Lap!


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Mi Familia

Hey Gork!

I'm a 19 year male. Also, I'm a polygamist. So....my problem. I have aspirations of being a doctor so that I can provide for my two families. I currently have two wives, and one of them has already been blessed with my first born son. Since we're fairly young and have no money, I rely completely on my parents' finances to get me through school. Currently, my wives and I each live under our own parents' houses. My parents are threatening to cut me loose unless I rid myself of the childless wife. Obviously, I am in a bit of a bind. Help!


Mike Sure-Ruggles
Candice, FL


Finally, a polygomy question! I've got a soft spot for you guys. Clearly, you've bitten off more than you can chew, but don't fret. Most 19 yr olds have 0 wives, so in a sense, you're already twice as good as your peers. On the other hand, you can't support yourself, let alone 2 families, so in a sense, you've dug a hole twice as deep as the average 19 yr old. Those two factors cancel each other out, so basically, you're right there neck and neck with your monogomist buddies.

Your parents say they'll cut the chord? I say prove it! Your "sticky sitch" is mostly their fault for letting you enter into 2 unsupportable marriages. The guilt would be overwhelming. If I were you, I'd ride out the storm and do nothing. Just to be safe, it might be best to quickly impregnate your other wife. Oh, and forget about med school. If you're lucky, you'll have just enough time to struggle through a 2 year trade school and hit the streets as a very bad plumber or dry wall artist. Whatever happens, it's gonna be a wild ride.


Chip On His Shoulder

Hey Gork,

What time is the Norm McDonald show this Thursday? I'm not talking about the sitcom. I do like sitcoms though. Did you ever see that episode of friends when Ross was trying to move his couch? He kept saying "pivot". Do you think it should be traveling when you move your pivot foot? My foot smells. I think I stepped in some dog pooh. My dog's name is Cozmo. I named him after a sitcom character. He was on Seinfeld, not the Norm McDonald show. What time is this show? Not the sitcom, the show at Penguins. Tomorrow. Thanks.

-Chip Longwell- Beantown USA


I'm working on my third imaginary PhD and you want to ask me what time the Norm MacD show starts? I have to say, I'm pretty flummoxed. My first thought was to hit the buhlete button and forget I ever heard of Chip Longwell, but after taking a deeper look, I can see that you're a deeply troubled guy in need of some sassy professional help...you've come to the right place. First off, stop watching Friends reruns, it's no good for you. I suggest you stick to reruns of Dharma and Greg or Caroline in the City. The writing is better and the life lessons are far more relevant to the everyday American. Secondly, yes, the pivot foot is the most powerful tool in any warbird's toolbox. Master it, you'll dominate any tiny school in western Illinios (including the F.U.C.K.'s). Finally, start putting a little vitamin C in Cozmo's food. You'll still step in his "leavings" and it will still stink like hell, but he'll be as healthy as a horse. I hope this helps you.


P.S - The Norm MacDonald show starts at 8 at the QC Penguin's Comedy Club.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Of Mice and Women

Hey Gork! Great blog.

I have a rare condition known as "double-barreled mouseberger" syndrome. This syndrome results in the afflicted growing a second male appendage shortly after birth. Throughout my life I have been cursed with two dongs. Strangely this seems to be a turnoff to women after they meet them both. My question is, should I acquire a girlfriend for each mouseberger so women do not feel the pressure to satisfy both? Thanks for your help!

-Jeff P. Madison, WI


Fabulous! I'm curious to know if you suffer from standard "DBM" or "LDBM" (Latent Double-Barreled Mouseberger"). For our readers unfamiliar with the syndrome, the former is present at birth, while the latter doesn't show it's mousy face until adolesence. I'll assume you have standard DBM. If that's the case, I'm sorry to tell you that you are the victim of a great injustice. DBM is highly inoperable after about the 1 year point, but before that, amputation is a very realistic option. Shame on your parents for not giving the doctor the chop sign.

On to your question. In your situation, I'd be pretty surprised if you could lock down one steady girlfriend, let alone two. I suggest you set your sights on finding one girl that you can really connect with. At first, when things get intimate, give one of your micebergers "the tuck". As things progress and you feel comfortable, tell her the truth. If she's worth her weight in mice, she'll understand.


Any Given Funday

Dear Gork,

hello, i am a 42 year old man with a penchant for football. i played a little in high school, and even tried out for the nfl before finally settling into my current position at long john silvers. i like to watch the games on sundays, but i still get the itch to get back in the game in some way, shape or form. here is my question: i have developed a new defensive scheme that i believe would be very successful, but i don't know how to go about implementing it, as i have no affiliation with a team of any kind. any suggestions? thank you and keep up the good work!

-Demetrius Carmichael, Logan Springs, OR

ps. my scheme consists of replacing the defense with offensive players. e.g.: a quarterback to cover the quarterback, a tightend to cover the tightend, etc. thereby cancelling out their offense, and allowing my offense to stay on the field for the entire game.


I assume most NFL coaches test out their new schemes at the Pop Warner level before implementing them at the professional level. I suggest you sign up to be a little league coach at your local Rec Center. Put your idea into action and document the results. If it proves to be an idea worth pusuing, sign up to be an NFL coach and dazzle the rest of the league with your out-of-the-box thinking. Thanks for the great question! I have a feeling we'll be seeing you on the Sunday sidelines very soon.



Dear Gork,

I'm thirty-seven, a female, and unmarried. I do have a (serious) boyfriend, and up until recently we had been discussing procreation at length until recently. A few weeks ago we were eating at this lovely little bistro in our neighborhood. He leaned over to me lovingly and said 'Hey, you have a hair on your collar", and he attempted to pull it off my collar. But there seemed to be something holding the hair back from being removed...it was my chin! It was a three-inch long chin hair, and he hasn't looked at me the same since. But he hasn't broken up with me. What should I do? Mary, Canton, IL


Surely, you can't blame your boyfriend for being just a little put off by your untidy facial follicles. Not only is the increasing hairlessness of the female sex accepted, it's come to be expected in most mainstream cultures. As facial hair goes, it's been a female fopaux for about the last 3000 years. We all know that the interruption of hormonal harmony can cause a myriad of unwanted effects, but that's not an excuse for hygienic foppery. If you want your relationship to work out, show your boyfriend that you subscribe to the social norm. You can start by shaving your face pelt.


Saturday, October 18, 2008

Sleepless in Binghamton

Dear Gork,

I was recently sentenced to 6 years in prison for armed robbery, and my anniversary is next week. Last year, my wife and I agreed that we wouldn't get each other gifts, but this year, we never said anything about it. Should I get her a gift, or is last year's agreement still valid?

-Malcom, Binghamton, NY


Great question. My advice is to get a gift just in case, but don't give it to her until she gives you her present. If she doesn't give you a gift, you'll know that last year's precedent still stands. If she gives you something, you can whip out your gift and she'll be none the wiser. Don't forget to return the gift you buy if you don't use it...Lord knows you need the cash with all those legal bills.


Thursday, October 16, 2008

Sun through the clouds

Dear Gork,

Please stop being so misogynistic!

Sidenote: Do you have suggestions on how to be more 'on-the-go'?


Heidi, Browning, B.C.


I'm sorry you've interpreted any of my comments as misogynistic. Sometimes my blunt approach comes off as patronizing or slandering, but that's not the intent. Believe me when I tell you, I truly believe all women are equal to each other.

As for your question, I actually get this one from a lot of ladies, and I always answer it with the same 5 words: get out there and shop! Studies have shown that, next to coffee, shopping is the number 1 on-the-go activity. If you can't beat em, join em!


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

No quibbles

Dear Gork,

I am in my first long term relationship with my current girlfriend. We've only dated a few months, but I can just tell, you know? Anyway. Here's my problem. While its my first, my girlfriend has had seven long term relationships prior to this one. Every single guy she's dated has cheated on her.

How do I tell my girlfriend that she has bad taste in men?

Ace, Beverly, MA


The best way to let your girlfriend know is for you yourself to cheat on her. However, you shouldn't do it in the usual behind her back way. Instead, you should let her know ahead of time so she has time to process the deeper meaning of your actions. I realize you probably won't be able to actually cheat because your track record is apparently poor at best in that department. I suggest you lie to her and tell her you cheated anyways. The extra lie only further proves your point...your "Ace in the hole" so to speak.


Matt Scratch Fever

Dear Gork,

As a man, I find it repulsive when other men have long fingernails and/or toenails. Yesterday, I asked a coworker if he could clip his fingernails out of respect for me. He became enraged and scratched me up pretty good. How do I make him understand that his long nails are disrespectful without sending him into another slap'n'scratch hissy fit?

-Matt G., Franzen, OR

Dear Matt,

It can be frustrating to work many days and many hours around people that don't have the same belief system as yourself. You should put yourself in his place. Maybe his belief system supports and encourages fingernail growth. And you should respect that. On the other hand, your coworker should realize that some people don't share the same belief system as himself. Perhaps your belief system is one in which fingernail growth is out of the question.

With this logic, neither one of you should be forced to cave to the other person's standards because you both have the right to make the choice to like or dislike fingernails. And you both have the right to hate each other for their beliefs. BUT, you don't have the right to not tolerate each other's decisions. Keep this in mind.



Hey Gork! It's me again. I guess I got cutoff on my first post.

-L. Voss, Bamtucket, WI


What's your game here?


Cigarette Police

Dear Gork,

Each day i drive past a cemetery on my way to work, and then again on my way home. in the morning i always see the caretaker out by the service shed having a smoke. and at night he is doing the same thing. normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but he happens to be dating my sister's best friend and i know for a fact that she doesn't know that he smokes! should i tell her that he is a dangerous liar, or is it none of my business? thank you for your speedy reply this is driving me absolutely bonkers!

Shelly Rodenski, Butte, MT


I guess we know why you are not your sister's best friend...you're a nark. Sorry to be harsh here, but it's true. If you are right, then there is some minor deceit going on in a relationship that doesn't concern you in any way. Honestly, it sounds like you are jealous that you don't have a guy that lies to you. There are plenty of semi-sincere men out there to go around. Don't ruin a semi-perfect relationship for your own selfish reasons.


Monday, October 13, 2008

Help! I'm drowning over here.

Dear Gork,

I've spent all winter lifting weights and doing abdominal sit ups. Great, right? Wrong. For some reason I chose to only work the right side of my body, and swimsuit season is almost here! Should I wear a t-shirt in the pool?


W. Barnson, Newport, RI


No. Lay on your left side on as much as possible. Also to appear unassuming, do this: buy two swimsuits. One swimsuit will be black with vertical lightning-bolt lines. The other will be white with beige horizontal lines. Cut both of the suits down the middle, and then hem them together with the black/vertical suit on your left side. Hem the butt very poorly, as to draw attention away from your problem. I hope you got the answer you're looking for!


Keyholes and Missed Connections

Dear Gork,

Long time reader, first time writer. For months I've been admiring my male neighbor from afar. About 3 weeks ago, said neighbor lost his key in the hallway and I managed to pick it up. I've spent the last three weeks trying to figure out a way to give it back to him. However, I'm afraid that if I return the key now he'll wonder why I waited so long. We live in a two-unit apartment building. What should I do? Just in case you ask, I'm 100% sure he never changed his locks.

Ambiguous in Detroit,

K. Tubbs


Quite an interesting little predicament you've gotten yourself in here. The right thing to do is to give him back his key. The fun thing to do is to keep the key and continue sneaking into his apartment. The wrong thing to do is to keep the key and quit sneaking in. There are inherant risks associated with each option, so let's examine them seperately. First off, we already know that option 3 is the wrong thing to do, so we'll just scrap that altogether. If you give back the key, you can easily lie and say you just found it, absolving you of any wrongdoing. If you continue the "sneak" strategy, he may catch you in his apartment, and believe me, there are no little white lies that can get you out of that unscathed. My advice is to listen to your heart, meditate, pray...do whatever you must. When the time is right, sneak back into his apartment and eat some of his pizza.


Ask Gork!

Dear Gork,

First of all, I love your column.

-L. Voss, Bamtucket, WI


I can't help but feel you didn't finish your thought, but thanks for the kind words. Also, this is a blog, not a column.


Dear Gork,

I'm a 41 yr old male, single, and looking desperately for anything exciting to come along. I have 2 questions. Firstly, what am I doing wrong in the dating world? I've tried everything from blind dates to internet dating, but never seem to get past the first date. I've never been married or had any long term relationships. Secondly, I recently cut off my weiner during a 36hr drug binge. Is there any way to get it back?

P.J., Whacko, TX


Thanks for writing in. While you say you have 2 questions, I think it's probably clear the issues go hand-in-hand. First and foremost, get a handle on your drug problem. Everything else will fall into place after that, except for your romantic life...that probably won't fall into place without a certain key instrument. The medical community has made great strides in the realm of appendage reattachment, but time is of the essence here. If you've been sitting around waiting for a reply to your question, it's too late. Good luck PJ!